


Biology 101

by deerskins



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man (Comicverse), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: LOTS OF SHIP TEASING, Multi, One-Sided Relationship, but it's more of an overly zealous fanboy crush, deadpool is a hopelessly inappropriate flirt, deadpool is okay with showing his face, he's got the doki doki for the dork lord that is peter parker, high school teacher!peter, on the spider-man side it is anyway
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-10-06
Packaged: 2018-02-09 12:25:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1982946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deerskins/pseuds/deerskins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter Parker just wants a little normalcy in his life. Sure, being a science teacher is a little mundane but it gives him joy. Too bad that's been ripped away from him now that Deadpool is posing as a janitor at Midtown High.</p><p>[on hiatus]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Very loosely based off of J Michael Straczynski's earlier Amazing Spider-Man run. Basically Aunt May knows Peter is Spider-Man but he's still separated from Mary Jane. I'm taking a lot of liberties here with Peter's rookie days and saying that he met Deadpool a few times years ago.

Another job done means another paycheck. Or rather a suitcase full of a buttload of cash. Employers sure are touchy about their identities these days. But, hey, as long as Deadpool gets paid, then who even cares? More money means more weapons and food. Lots of food.

“Like tacos,” the merc said as he kicked over the now decapitated form at his feet. With a little tushy waggle, he dug around in the victim’s back pocket and yanked out a cheap prepaid phone. “Cha ching.”

【Aren’t you sick of Mexican food by now?】

 “Hell naw. It’s what the readers want!” he replied to the box as he pulled up the camera function on the cell phone. Nobody skimps out on cameras these days. Humming, Wade reached down to grab the head which he then hefted onto his shoulder as if it was a second head. Blood stains are no biggie, right. With that, the camera was angled at them both.

“Now then, say ‘Rob Liefeld’ with me, you beauty! Rob Liefeld!”

【Rob Liefeld.】

「Rob Liefeld!!」

“Rob Liefeld.”

Deadpool frantically whipped his head around to find the source of the fourth voice. Had the ball of somebody’s foot not crashed into his face and unhinged the man’s jaw, he would have gone off on a tangent about how his head was not flashing a motel vacancy sign. Two boxes were enough.

「Awww but you love us!」

With a sickening pop of a jaw being shoved back in place Deadpool grumbled, “Not when I’m trying to fap. Heh, fap. I can’t believe that’s still a sound effect in comics! Even ours! Fap! Boom! Kapow! Crack! Oh, and we can’t forget—“

_Thwip._

Milliseconds after the sound echoed through the dank alley, the mercenary was slammed against the brick wall. Something felt wet, sticky, and webby. Webbing. Deadpools’ mouth stretched into a face splitting grin that could be seen under the fabric of his mask. He began to giggle like a schoolgirl, which was a horrific sound given his deep, raspy man voice.

“Spidey! Spidey my main man, my homie, my boo! It’s been so long! See, I’ve stopped keeping track of time so you’ll have to remind me when our last wacky crossover was. Ooh! Let’s go out and catch up over coffee! That’s what they do in the chick flicks. Wait, I hate coffee. How about—“

“Deadpool...”

“—I mean, you’re old enough to drink now, right? Damn, you were just a baby the last I saw you. Not a literal baby, no, I would never ogle a baby. Nasty. But you were definitely jailbait. That voice of yours was a dead giveaway. You know what shota is? Well—“

“Deadpool, do you ever breathe?” Spider-Man sighed as he rubbed his temple. “To answer your questions: 1) It’s been seven years since I last saw you, give or take. 2) I don’t drink. Being a spider powered lightweight can only lead to bad things. 3) No, I don’t know what shota is and I really don’t care to know, either. Good? Good.”

The younger man executed a flip off of the fire escape that he had been perched on and reached his hand out to rip the webs off of Deadpool. Upon being released, Deadpool stumbled around in a dramatic manner then swooned, “Catch me, Spidey!”

Spider-Man promptly sidestepped away from Deadpool and watched as the older man slammed his face against a garbage bin. The merc picked himself back up and pouted. He added a whine for safe measure.

【Chivalry is dead.】

“What are you doing back in New York?” Spider-Man questioned as he folded his arms over his chest and cocked his head to the side.

【Wow, is it just me or has this kid really filled out? Punching people does a body good.】

Wade let out a little ‘pfft’ and muttered, “Yeah, well he ain’t got nothing on yours truly.”

「I have an idea. Let’s get a look at that prime ass. He always did have a strong ass game.」

【I second this.】

“Thirded!” Wade shouted as he fist pumped towards the sky. This outburst only solicited an irritated coughing into the hand motion from the superhero.

“I’m here on a business trip,” Wade paused as he nodded his head towards the still present corpse and its nearby head.

“You haven’t changed a bit, Wade.”

“Hey hey, speaking of changes,” Wade started as he lifted his hood to make kissy lips, “you are looking Fine. With a capital F. And maybe a U-C-K and M-E. If you’re up to it. Wink  
wonk badonka donk.”

Spider-Man shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably. Putting a palm to his face, he groaned as he dragged it down towards his chin. An irritated groan, of course. Don’t read into that the wrong way.

「Me thinks the writer can’t decide between OTP or BROTP~♪」

“Look, I’m going to be late for work if I don’t get going ASAP. Heroics don’t pay an already late rent,” the webhead stated as he began to back away. Before Deadpool had a chance to respond, Spider-Man was already wall jumping and rushing away on a rooftop in no time.

Deadpool whistled. That escape gave him an eyeful of derriere. Can’t complain about that.

* * *

How Peter Parker manages to stay employed is a mystery greater than the meaning of life. The man shakes a can of cheap aerosol deodorant and drowns himself with the scent of pine as he runs towards Midtown High. Running a hand through the brown mop of hair on his head, Peter grinned sheepishly at one of the other faculty members as he made his way up the stairs. Today was one of those rare days that he managed to get to work before the warning bell rang.

A few students were already standing outside of the classroom waiting for their teacher to open the door. Early birds. Peter fished around in his pocket for the key and grumbled when the lock clicked. He didn’t have any time to finish grading the last lab assignment. Or the one before that. Yikes. Note to Peter, grade that schoolwork like a responsible teacher should be doing.

With a loud thump, Peter slumped over in his chair and glanced down at the curriculum that he had jotted down in the notebook on the desk. Maybe he would have his students get into study groups to prepare themselves for the upcoming quiz.

“Did you get a look at that janitor?” a girl whispered to her friend from behind a textbook.

“No..? Why?” the friend replied.

“The guy is creepy, that’s why.”

“Dude, it’s a janitor. Janitors are creepy period.”

“No, like, he’s got fricking gross oozing scabs and shit all over his face. He kept talking to himself, too.”

Peter raised an eyebrow as he listened to the teenagers gossip. Perhaps it was because of his earlier encounter with a certain motor mouthed mercenary but he couldn’t shake the suspicion that creeped into his mind. But why would he even be at a school? Oh, hell, surely Deadpool had standards. No way would he be here on, as he had called it, business.

While he pushed the absurd idea out of his head, a loud crash startled Peter and he caught himself before he ended up plastered to the ceiling. He turned his head around towards the door and began to pale. Oh hell no. Oh hell. No.

“Any messes in here?~♪” a muscle-bound, scarred man in a too small custodial uniform asked as he tip-toed into the classroom. As if on cue, a weak stomached, classic garden variety nerd boy vomited underneath his desk. “Bless those convenient, if not unrealistic, plot devices. Thank you, dweeb!”

Peter cursed under his breath wishing that hadn’t happened because now he was stuck in a room with Deadpool. As Peter Parker. He grimaced when he noticed Wade giving him a once over after which he blowed a kiss.

This was going to be a long, long day.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, so maybe Deadpool wasn’t a master of disguise and he was terrible at going undercover. Plus this uniform was really, really small. This uniform must be made out of the same fabric that Hulk’s pants are made of because it should have ripped by this point.

Oh well, he had to make due here. The entire Deadpool ensemble would have been kind of conspicuous. Scratch that, it’s very conspicuous. Seven out of ten times, people outside of the superhero community mistook him as being Spider-Man. Even though he was obviously ten times more awesome and kickass than that loser with an insanely tight suit that showed off his sweet little… Ahem.

“Hah, imagine that! Being mistaken as Spider-Man at a school! Hahahaha! Hah! Like Spider-Man would ever be at a school! The guy is too cool for school. Written with a two, a four, and school with a K.”

So his eyesore of a face wasn’t much better. As much as he preferred to keep his marred and scarred face covered, he has gotten used to the stares that came his way. At least he had a list of excuses for his, lack of a better word, condition.

Burn victim! War veteran! Mutant!

【Well, that last one isn’t too far from the truth.】

“It’s much easier to say than ‘oh, this? This is from an infamous, short and short tempered mutant.’ Canadian healthcare is not all sunshine and happiness, kids.”

An impatient cough escaped the mouth of the teacher as Deadpool rambled on while cleaning up a student’s breakfast, and possibly every other meal this past week. The merc has seen a lot of bodily fluids in his line of work but never has he seen so much vomit.

“Excuse me, but could I have a word with you out in the hallway?” the teacher asked. Deadpool turned his head up to see the other man standing before him with his hands on his hips.

The man was young, definitely in his twenties. Tousled brown hair complete with a pair of matching brown eyes that were currently sporting dark circles. Relatively average height. Surprisingly ripped for a science teacher if his exposed forearms were anything to go by. Sort of cute in an adult who’s still outgrowing his dorky adolescent features kind of way.

No feature of this man matched the description of the person that Deadpool was scoping out here. But maybe he would have to keep an eye on this teacher. For completely professional reasons! Right, it’s all for his profession.

【COUGH bullshit COUGH HACK WHEEZE.】

「What are you talking about? The professional bad flirt is back in business.」

【And that’s a bullshit profession.】

“You don’t know my life, White.”

【Puh-lease. I’m in your head. For all you know, I could be able to see your life. Every single embarrassing moment you've ever had is all here for me to enjoy.】

「Ooh, spooky! Can we really do that?」

【…】

“Ellipses are so telling.”

The teacher cocked an eyebrow and let out an exasperated sigh. A loud one, at that. Oh, right, this guy was still waiting for a response.

“Sorry dude! These boxes are a couple of nincompoops. Sure thing, sweet cheeks, let’s talk.”

Deadpool hopped back up onto his feet and followed the other man into the hallway. That was a fine behind he was sporting. He always did pride himself on being an ass man. Breasts are beautiful and so fun to motorboat but there is something so compelling about the gluteus maximus. It didn’t matter if an ass belonged to a woman, man, or otherwise so long as it was tight and he could play the bongos with it.

Raising his hands to his face with his hands folded in prayer, Deadpool whispered, “Dear lord in heaven above, thank you for blessing me with this gift. Amen.”

【Wade, don’t tell me you’re--】

「Buy him a drink first!」

With a lopsided, toothy grin he reached out to slap the teacher’s ass. The other man stepped away surprisingly fast then shot the mercenary a glare. Oh boy, if looks could kill. Fortunately they don’t, and besides that Deadpool has a trusty healing factor. Even if looks could kill, he would be more than willing to die for that look that man gave him. That glare was sexy to say the least.

“I’m, ahm, Dea… Du… Ryan..? Ryan! I am what you would call the new janitor of this fine establishment,” Deadpool stated as he offered a hand to shake. “I like piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, and making love at midnight on the dunes of the cape.”

* * *

 

Peter bit on his lower lip as he considered his limited options. If they were in public, he could just walk away. If they were in costume, he could just throw him down the city block. But no, here he was, standing in a crowded hallway full of students while talking to the certifiably insane Deadpool.

As he took “Ryan’s” hand into his own, Peter was secretly praying for a super villain to crash through the halls in a rampage.

No such luck.

“Well, Ryan, you can call me Mr. Parker. Pull a stunt like that again and I will report you for sexual harassment,” he said while tightening his grip on Deadpool’s hand to emphasize his last remark. An “ouchies” escaped from the man’s lips as he pulled his hand away to nurse it.

Deadpool leaned against the wall and made an unsightly sniffling noise before wiping the back of his hand against his nose. In his best, or his rather worst, Bugs Bunny voice the merc asked, “Eeeey, what’s up, doc?”

Peter shifted his weight. He hadn’t really thought about what to ask Deadpool without sounding as if he knew more than the average high school teacher should. Play it naïve, Parker. This man flies under the media radar so you can’t use your Daily Bugle connections as an excuse. Let’s pretend you don’t know this is a trigger happy maniac. As far as you or anyone else is concerned, he is just like any other subway rider who talks nonsense out loud to themselves. After all, this is New York City.

“Is there any reason why you barged into the classroom the way that you did? Hold on, let me correct myself. Is there a good reason?”

“You’re a cutie patootie, so I’ll let you in on a little secret,” Deadpool said as he did a back and forth to see if anyone was listening. He put his hand up to Peter’s ear and whispered, “There’s a complete loon that works at this school.”

Peter put a hand up to his mouth and couldn’t help but snort. “Aren’t you just talking about yourself?”

“Aw, baby boy here has a sense of humor! But no, no, no I’m talking knee deep in criminal activity here. Drugs, guns, and other fun things,” the merc said as he waved his arms around as if to make his point. “Besides, man, I don’t even really work here. Until now, of course!”

As if Peter didn't already know that. Frowning, he looked at his watch. The bell should be going off any time now. “Uh-huh, now tell me why you can’t just go to the police about this.”

“I am, as they say, not at liberty to discuss that, Mr. Parker, sir.”

“So then you wouldn’t care if I did so myself?”

“Uh, shit, I can explain a lot better this just gi—“

Thank god for the bell. Peter put his hand up and shook his head. As he went to open the door to get back into the classroom, he turned towards Deadpool and told him, “We can finish this after school.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for the kind words!! I'm not used to large active fandoms so I'm sitting here cooing my fool head off at the positive responses you've given me! 
> 
> It's late, I'm tired, and I rushed this but it's all good. It's hard to find a good muse for Peter which is a shame since he's one of those all time favorite characters of mine. And never fear! Grown men in spandex should be making a comeback by the next chapter.
> 
> My Twitter is @gatobread!


	3. Chapter 3

During his lunch break, Peter waltzed into the school office to check to see if they had just recently hired a new custodian. Surely Deadpool wouldn’t be stupid enough to wander around without taking some form of precaution.

“So, Joan, weird question here:  Do we have a new janitor?” Peter asked as he leaned against the front desk while fiddling with the pen near the sign-in sheet.

The secretary behind the desk gave the man a quizzical look over the rims of her glasses before pulling up a page on the computer. With a low hum, she turned the screen towards Peter. Apparently a “Ryan Reynolds” had been entered into the system earlier this morning. Peter pinched the bridge of his nose at Deadpool’s name choice and thanked the woman before heading back to his classroom.

That was around noon.

Now Peter was standing near the front doors and glancing down at his wristwatch. It read 3:56. He had promised Aunt May that he would, quite literally, swing by the old family home in Forest Hills to have dinner with her at 5:30. Even with the added perks of superhuman abilities and his trusty webshooters, it would still take him a good while to get there. Though May now understood Peter’s reasons for being late he didn’t want to leave her waiting.

Speaking of waiting, where was Deadpool? Peter had told him that he wanted to speak with him after school. Though, to be fair, he hadn’t given him a time or place to meet up. He hadn’t even thought of what to say to him. This would be so much easier to confront the mercenary without the hassle of keeping his two lives separate.

Once it hit four o’clock, Peter made his way out of the building and after a few blocks had passed he ducked into an alleyway to change out his clothing. He quickly did so as he was climbing up the brick wall to reach the roof. It was an almost necessary talent that he had acquired over the years. After Peter, or rather Spider-Man, webbed his work clothes up into a makeshift backpack, he made his way to his destination.

Things were going smoothly until Spider-Man spotted Deadpool drawing obscene images with chalk on a sidewalk for god knows whatever reason. Groaning inwardly, he tossed the web pack onto the nearest fire escape then dropped down in front of the other man who was talking out loud to nobody in particular.

“You’re still here?” Spider-Man inquired with a hint of annoyance. Of course Deadpool was still in New York, he had just seen him only hours ago at Midtown High.

Deadpool’s head whipped up so fast that it could have easily snapped off and rolled down into the street. He took a look around then pointed at his masked face, chalk still in his hand, as he asked, “Are you talking about little old me?”

“Who else would I be talking to?”

“I don’t know, maybe you were talking to White or Yellow. They say ‘hi’ by the way!” Deadpool responded, talking about the so-called boxes that he apparently shares head space with. Spider-Man figured that’s what the other man was talking about, as he had heard rumors about them, anyway.

“Yellow, be-have! I’ve already filled today’s ass quota. No need to be so greedy.”

Okay, so Deadpool must definitely be talking to the boxes now as he was looking over his shoulder but not talking to anyone within the vicinity. Spider-Man shifted around uncomfortably as he recalled when Deadpool tried to smack his, Peter Parker’s, butt earlier in the day. The other man must have noticed his fidgeting and quirked an eyebrow under the mask.

“So what is up? Need help kicking bad guys’ butts? Speaking of butts, are you asking me out on a date? If you are, I’ll have to work you into my busy schedule.” Deadpool said in an all too cheerful voice as he fiddled with one of his many belt pouches.

That all too familiar prickling sensation was creeping at the base of Spider-Man’s skull, causing him get ready to crouch down if need be. At this angle he could now see that Deadpool had swapped the chalk out for what appeared to be a trigger. A bomb trigger at that. The spider held his hand up in warning and clenched his jaw.

“Wade… What is that,” he demanded in a stern voice, ready to pounce at the other man at any second. Spider-Man knew he had to be cautious under these circumstances. If he could just talk Deadpool out of whatever madness he had gotten into this time then nobody would have to resort to physical violence.

Deadpool snorted under his mask and then made little disappointed tsk tsk sounds. As his finger began push down on the shiny red button, Spider-Man let a line of web shoot out to snatch it away from the mercenary before any damage was done. He then grabbed a fist full of the fabric of Deadpool’s costume and lifted him a few feet off the ground. Spider-Man lowered his head just slightly to make the large white eyes of his mask look menacing.

This just made Deadpool laugh even more as he began to talk back those boxes of his.

Spider-Man held up the trigger between two fingers and gave Deadpool a slight shake to snap him back to the situation at hand. “Tell me, Wade, what this is for.”

A smile crept onto the mercenary’s face. Not that Spider-Man could see it well at first but Deadpool soon pulled his mask up to his nose and flashed his surprisingly pearly whites which clashed with the rest of his appearance.

“It’s a distraction!”

“Wh—“

Spider senses his ass. This was a danger greater than any other he may have faced in the past.

Before Spider-Man could have any time to react, Deadpool was pressing his sloppily wet and severely chapped lips against the red fabric that covered his own mouth. Too shocked and mortified to do anything, his face began to flush from the embarrassment of the position that he found himself in. When the older man pulled away, the hero put the fingers of his free hand up to his now moist mask. Dear god. As soon as he gets a chance, Spider-Man is going to run into the nearest drugstore and buy at least ten bottles of mouthwash.

Wait a second, his free hand? He had Deadpool in one and the trigger in… oh.

“Eat your heart out, Michael Bay!” Deadpool shouted as he slammed his finger down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't freak out now, Deadpool's POV will be in the next chapter! I made just the TINIEST edit in the last chapter but it's nothing worth going back to check. Just a little revision since I rushed to get it posted.
> 
> There are six copies of Amazing Spider-Man 2 sitting in the office at work. Every time I go in there, I just stare at them longingly wishing that I could take one home early. But is it really worth getting fired over a movie about a nerd boy who bounces around in a skintight spandex suit with a severe guilt complex? Not in this economy. So I guess I'll have to wait until 8/19 like everyone else. I could do a little yo-ho, yo-ho but I'm not feeling the pirate's life today.
> 
> Again, you can find me on Twitter [@gatobread](https://twitter.com/gatobread)! I won't bite. I'll just complain a lot about the 90's clone saga.


	4. Chapter 4

The intense pressure that was being placed on Deadpool’s chest hurt more than the concrete sidewalk that he was slammed onto seconds ago. Above him stood Spider-Man who was using his foot to keep the mercenary pinned down. Clearly he didn’t hesitate to hold back with a guy who had a healing factor that Wolverine would be jealous of nowadays.

「Especially since he’s dying in September.」

【Dude, too soon.】

「Oh ball pits, you’re right! This is based off of events that were written in the early 2000’s.」

Deadpool put his hands up defensively, laughed, and cracked a smile, his mouth still exposed. “Don’t get me wrong, Spidey, I enjoy being manhandled as much as the next guy, but this thing? It is a dud.”

He swore he could see the eyes of Spider-Man’s mask narrow. Is this one of those universes where masks are impossibly expressive? Ehh, maybe it was just Deadpool’s imagination. Not exactly the fever dreams of Deadpool Vision™ level of vivid imagination; it was more that he was feeding off of the vibes that he was getting from the spandex clad spider. The hero bent over and swiped the apparent bomb trigger out of Deadpool’s hand.

“Then what the hell is this?” he asked with a sharp edge of irritation.

“It was all a distraction.”

“Deadpool, what the hell did you do.”

The mercenary put his hands under his chin and batted his non-existant eyelashes under the mask while making kissy lips. This prompted Spider-Man to groan after realizing what Deadpool was communicating and then stepped off of the larger man as he continued to look down at him disapprovingly.

“You’re sick,” Spider-Man sneered as he threw the device back at Deadpool, who caught it as he sat back up. “I don’t have time for you. Actually, I don’t have time for any of this!”

With a smirk, Deadpool replied, “Afraid you’ll catch Deadpool cooties?”

“I’m more afraid of switching brains with an arch nemesis, but we know that would never happen. Maybe if hell froze over,” the spider snorted as he adjusted his webshooters while keeping a watchful eye on Deadpool. “I would have said ‘when pigs fly’ but I just saw one conjured by a farmer themed magician the other week. Criminals are running out of ideas.”

Back on his feet again, Deadpool bounced around on his heels with his hands behind his back.

【Enough with the schoolgirl act already, jeez. God so help us if you start passing around notes with love confessions scribbled all over them.】

 “Tell me about it! This one guy set off a bomb halfway across the city but kissed someone else while doing so to keep their attention elsewhere! It wasn’t a very romantic kiss, though. And I’m not saying that mercenaries are crimin—“

In mere seconds, Deadpool was once again pinned down by Spider-Man.

“You’re a feisty today, aren’t you, bug boy? But goodness gracious it sure is indecent to do it in public! You don’t want to tarnish your public image!”

「Spidey and Wade, sitting in a tree! F-U-C-K-I-N-G!」

【Holy shit, don’t encourage us!】

「What? I ship it.」

“Oh, for the love of… Cut the crap and tell me where it is,” the hero inquired as he got up then lifted and set Deadpool against a light pole, a webshooter aimed mere inches from his torso. “I’m running on a tight schedule here.”

Deadpool lolled his head back and whined, “Fiiiiiiine. Go six blocks north, then west on that corner deli, then south for the entire duration of Carly Rae Jepsen's ‘Call Me Maybe’, and then west again for five minutes.”

“You don’t even remember, do you?” Spider-Man sighed, letting go of the mercenary.

“It’s by a Subway! Or was it a subway? Wait, wait, wait, I’m getting a message from the other side saying it’s over there!” Deadpool shouted as he pointed in a general direction.

“Over where?”

While the younger man was distracted, yet again, Deadpool whipped out a pair of pistols and aimed at Spider-Man’s feet. Was this below him? Yes and no. As he whistled the tune to Living on a Prayer, Deadpool went ahead and pulled the trigger hoping that those supernatural reflexes of the other man wouldn’t kick in.

A howling scream of pain could paint a thousand words. And it wasn't the screams of a certain arachnid clad man, either, as he had pushed Deadpool out of his way before the bullet even left the barrel.

Down the road, two people were dashing out of a convenience store wearing cheap rubber masks of presidents. It was then that the mercenary heard Spider-Man curse under his breath as he began chasing after the pair of soon to be would-be robbers. Oh how that skintight costume of his did wonders for his figure. Before he was out of earshot, the hero yelled back at Deadpool in a firm and authoritative tone.

“Stay right there, this will only take a minute!”

Wade Wilson was never good at obeying people. Not unless they were offering loadsa money, of course. While Spider-Man was occupied, and boy was he ever after one of the robbers turned out to be an animal shifting mutant, Deadpool calmly made his way back to his temporary hideout in New York City. It was a little, shabby old apartment that belonged to an old friend of his named Bob, who happened to be out of town. Never post when you’re going to be away from home on Facebook because there is a good chance that Deadpool will crash at your place.

【Speaking of men named Bob, we never did find a Bob Barker at that school today!】

As soon as Deadpool burst through the door, he took his mask off and tossed it over his shoulder where it fell onto the floor. He jumped over the couch and immediately proceeded to lounge out all over the place it in very unsightly manner with limbs sprawled out every which way. Once he flipped the television on only to find yet another rerun of The Price is Right, the man gave his current client a call.

A few rings went by before somebody picked up on the other line.

“Yes?”

The client’s voice was muffled and distorted. How boring!

“Heeey, buddy! Can I call you buddy? Okay, so I took care of that Joe Q of yours, but I can’t find your Barker guy. You sure he works at Midtown High?” Deadpool asked as flopped onto his belly and kicked his feet around. On the other end, the person was taking in a huge breath as if to quell their impatience.

“Who the fuck is Barker? I said Parker! Peter Parker! You fucking idiot, I should have hired Bullseye to do this shit. You’re nothing more than an incompetent ass knob!”

Deadpool sat up now and let out a long “oh” of realization as he stared at the game show in front of him. Barker. Parker. Duh! He knew of a Parker at the school. Then with a smile, the mercenary responded, “Don’t worry about it, baby cakes! I’ll put a bullet between his doe eyes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to Dragon Con next weekend in Atlanta!! This is my first real convention experience and I get to see one of my closest friends, too! So I probably won't get to another chapter until I get back.
> 
> Well, okay, I went to an anime convention once but there were maybe fifty people at most. It was a sad, sad experience. I spent three hours talking with a 60-something year-old man about anime the first night and sat around in the viewing room which played Dragonball Z Abridged an awful lot. Needless to say that was the convention's first and only year.
> 
> My Twitter is [@gatobread](https://twitter.com/gatobread)!


	5. stranger danger

The alarm clock would not stop buzzing. Disoriented, Peter groaned as he reached out for it then seethed through his teeth. Oh, right, he had bruised his ribs and twisted an ankle the night before.

While it’s true that Peter Parker is a fast healer in comparison to the average human, it still can take a few days to heal such injuries without copious amounts of rest. Too bad it wasn’t a weekend, because then he could sleep in. Unfortunately kids needed their teachers, no matter how much they may complain about school, and you can’t get paid to stay in bed all day long.

Last night on his way home from visiting with Aunt May, which he was just barely late for because of a burglary, Peter got into a scuffle with Shocker at a construction site. Quips and thwips were thrown the gold and maroon quilted man’s way. But even with the added perk of spider senses, Peter was caught off guard and was painfully sent flying towards steel beams, concrete, and all those other things that are used to construct skyscrapers. Even Spider-Man has his off days when it comes to facing D-list villains.

“Thank you Parker luck,” Peter grumbled as he shuffled into the bathroom. “At least there’s no press about it. Jolly Jameson would be having a fit. I can see it already, ‘Spider-Man and Shocker heist goes sour!’”

Speaking of that evening, Deadpool never did stick around when Peter gave chase to the burglars. Figures as much. As unpredictable as the mercenary was, he should have predicted that Deadpool would leave the scene as soon as he could. While brushing his teeth, Peter continues to beat himself up over not webbing the other man to something or other before the familiar prickling on his neck snaps him back to reality.

There are loud clattering sounds coming from the apartment kitchenette.

Peter cautiously enters the small hallway connecting to the living and kitchen area, his spider senses still nagging him that something isn’t right. Who else has he given a pair of keys to besides Aunt May? Nobody, as far as he can remember. Unless of course May had loaned the key to Mary Jane, in which case Peter was not at all prepared for that. For one thing, he was in nothing more than a pair of boxers and some fuzzy teddy bear slippers that Betty had jokingly gifted to him during a Secret Santa exchange a couple years back at the Daily Bugle.

“Rise and shine, sleepyhead!” a rough voice called out.

Speak of the devil and he will appear. In this case, the devil was wearing a pink polka dotted apron complete with frills over grubby street clothes while ransacking Peter’s cupboards. The man pursed his cracked lips and frowned as he turned to Peter with his hands on his hips.

“Do you have anything that isn’t boring-ass cereal deprived of sugar and marshmallows? How can you even live with yourself?” Deadpool asked as he motioned his head towards Peter’s relatively bare cupboard. "You have the taste of a senior citizen."

“Wh— No, no, forget that, what the hell are you doing in my home? How, just, how the hell did you get in here? God, wait, no, how the hell did you find where I live?!” Peter demanded, arms flailing around every which way in an animated manner as he spoke.

Deadpool bounced and laughed, “Ooh, are we playing twenty questions? We love this game!”

“No, but you’ll be playing that with the police as soon as I call 911 here,” Peter retorted as he strode over to the phone on the wall with albeit of a limp to keep weight off of his bad ankle. “This is ridiculous, just who the hell do you think you are? Huh?”

Peter picked up the phone then dialed the number only to be greeted with silence on the receiver. Staring at the phone as if that would magically make it work again, he groaned inwardly as he remembered that the phone bill was lost somewhere in the stack of junk mail on the table. You know, the one on the opposite side of the room. The younger man tensed up as he saw Deadpool walk his way with his head tilted just so to the side. 

* * *

 

Even in this frazzled state, Wade found the young man in front of him to be endearing. Too bad the good things never last long as he’ll have to off this Peter Parker sooner or later. Preferably later. The mercenary wanted to have some fun with the guy a little longer. Apparently Peter here didn’t appreciate a surprise visit from a friend. Wait, were they friends? Was that ever established? Wade shrugged it off, as social norms never really did apply to him.  

【We’re your only friends, let’s not kid ourselves.】

“Any luck, Petey?" Wade questioned, deliberately ignoring the white box.

The brunette huffed out a sound of agitation as a response then crossed his arms over his bare chest. Peter turned his head to stare out the window, brows furrowed in deep thought. The early morning sunlight glowing against his slim but lean muscled figure was a sight to behold.

「I could get used to this.」

“Yeah, me, too. Busty babes are more my thing but I’m more than willing to make a dozen exceptions here. You’ve got to appreciate the finer things in life,” Wade whispered to the yellow box with one arm crossed into the crook of his other arm while he cupped a calloused hand to his scabby, scarred face.

After what must have been a few minutes, Peter turned to look back at Wade. Immediately Wade snapped out of his day dreams which he had been muttering out loud to himself. Well, that explains the distinct look of second hand embarrassment and the blush that flooded the younger man’s face. Before Wade could explain himself, Peter put a hand up.

“Don’t. For the love of god, just don’t. I don’t want to hear about it,” he grumbled before moving on. “So, let’s start this over. What are you doing here?”

“Just wanted to go to work with my new friend,” Wade answered as he lifted a thick, hardcover book off of a beaten up coffee table. He flipped through it then stuck his tongue out with a sound of disgust. It was filled with science. It wasn’t even a fun science book, either, that was littered with pictures. It was filled with walls of text. That shit was way over his head.

“You’re such a goddamn nerd. Only a nerd would work at a school,” the mercenary said as he tossed the book in the other man’s direction.

Peter snorted at his remark and caught the book with a swift, fluid motion though he made a slightly pained face. As Wade took note of the bruise on the other’s ribs when he set the book down, Peter remarked, “Takes one to know one, coworker.”

【Just take him out while he’s already injured. Give him a mercy kill. That ankle of his isn’t looking to great, either. Come on, it’s the humane thing to do.】

「You know, White has a point… More monies means more honeys.」

【See? Even Yellow agrees with me on this. Do it.】

Wade let out an unsure hum. What about all the plans he was making for him and Peter? If he killed him now then it’s bye-bye to marathoning cheesy B-movie horror flicks and making prank phone calls on the Avengers hotline. The worry must have been showing on Wade’s face because Peter sighed and pat his torn up shoulder sympathetically. The touch made him flinch a bit, both from the sensitivity of the scars and the general lack of not being accustomed to such touch when he was exposed. Usually people would keep their hands, and even their gaze, far away.

“Ryan, was it? Look, I’ve met a fair share of odd… characters over the years while I freelanced for the Bugle. So, lucky you, I’ll give you this one free pass. But just this one. If I catch you breaking into my place again, I will personally drag you down to the police station if I have to.”

That’s all it took for Wade to grin in a comedic fashion and pull Peter into a big old bear hug. When the brunette let out a sound of pain, Wade let out a small sorry and released him from the embrace. The killing can wait. Deadpool had a strong enough reputation in the underground community to afford to put off a job. It’s not like his client could leave an angry review on Yelp.

“Let me get dressed. Even this is too much for a casual Friday,” Peter joked as he walked to his bedroom.

“It’s not casual enough!” Wade shouted. He couldn’t see Peter’s face but boy were his ears flushed. Bingo, we have a blusher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that the premise has been established, it's time for shenanigans. I know I said I probably wouldn't get a chapter in until after Dragon Con but I couldn't help myself! This was fun to write. Now then, it's past 2 AM and I need to be at work by 8 AM. Clearly I am a responsible adult.
> 
> My Twitter is @[gatobread](https://twitter.com/gatobread)! Let's trash talk comics.


	6. Chapter 6

“This bus is too crowded. God so help me, Pete, I am going to rip my asshole a new one so people will get out of here. Mushroom clouds are ready to shoot out of my crapper. This fart is beyond atomic. Godzilla will rise again.”

Peter turned his head slightly upwards and shot the larger man beside him a pointed stare. Wade responded to Peter’s look with a shrug and went back to muttering under his breath about one thing or another. Right now he was going on about owning a petting zoo that specializes in goats that could juggle swords when he retires. Oh boy.

If he wasn’t feeling like crap, what with a few injuries that won’t fully heal for another couple of days unless he can actually get some real sleep in, Peter could have just lost the mercenary on the way to the bus stop and gone his usual route. And it was a route that consisted of wall crawling, jumping across rooftops, and other feats of superhuman parkour that the average Joe could not keep up with. True, Deadpool is a very athletic and physically capable person, but he has no significant enhanced abilities beyond a near hyper speed healing factor, which Peter is feeling incredibly jealous of right now.

Having to ride the bus to work with Deadpool was no walk in the park. The constant rambling was irritating to say the least. Yeesh, is this what his own banter sounds like to his foes? The scarred man was visibly tense, his hand often gravitating towards his chest, where Peter assumed Wade kept a pistol if the dull buzzing sensation he was experiencing was anything to go by. To be fair, anything could be setting off that sixth sense of his in a city such as New York during a Friday morning commute.

“I’m boreeeeeddd. Hey, Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, are we almost there?” the mercenary asked as he picked a scab off of his neck then flicked it in the direction of an elderly woman who was earlier giving him dirty looks.

Peter gave Wade’s hand a smack then replied, “We’ll be there soon. And, jeez, what are you, five?”

Wade let out a gasp, bashed his eyes in false surprise, and daintily put a hand up to his mouth while he spoke like a southern belle. “How rude! A lady never reveals her age!”

“Oh, because you’re so ladylike,” Peter snorted.

“I’ll have you know that my killer figure looks a-freaking-mazing in a little black dress!” Wade put his hands on his hips and shifted his weight so one hip would jut up. “Even that pompous, handsome son of a beehive Tony Stark has complimented me at a cocktail. I mean sure he was hammered like Mjolnir but I took those words of his and ran far away with them. He can never, ever take them back.”

Putting a hand up to his mouth, Peter stifled a laugh and hid his smirk. The thought of the Wade’s broad, muscle-bound figure constricted in a tight dress was an unsettling but hilarious mental image. The thing was that the mercenary wasn’t joking, either, because word has it that the man has a penchant for crossdressing. Often at inappropriate times.

Minutes passed and the bus came to a halt at their stop a few blocks down from the school. It was a cloudy, crisp autumn morning and the fallen leaves made satisfying crunching sounds as they stepped on them. Peter looked down at his watch, an old relic of Uncle Ben’s that he had come to own, and saw that it was just a quarter before seven.

He could have slept in today, he soon realizes, since today the students got the day off. Parent teacher conferences and all of that. With a groan, Peter rubs his palms against his eyes.

Peter was still feeling tired and groggy since his body was working hard to heal his injuries. It felt like he was in a flu haze. He couldn’t do much about the healing process but it was one hundred percent his own personal fault for blanking out on the student holiday and waking up early. So he couldn’t exactly blame Deadpool for his disheveled state. Well, no, even if he got to sleep in Deadpool would have woken him up.

God, he needed a jolt of caffeine. Maybe even a jolt of electricity from Electro would do the trick.

“You know, I don’t even have to go in until later this afternoon,” Peter slurred slightly as he ran a hand through his tangled hair while looking down the road, trying not to zone out too much. “Wanna grab a bite to eat? You were in such a rush for us to leave this morning. The Coffee Bean is a bit of a walk from here but, hey, they’ve got good breakfast. I used to go there all the time when I went to ESU.”

 “Awwww, if I didn’t know any better I would be thinking that you’re asking me out on a date!” Wade replied as he put an arm around the brunette’s shoulder. Peter laughed uncomfortably at the man’s remark and glanced at himself in a shop window with a look that said “why me of all people”.

Darn Parker luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short chapter but it will have to do. I've already started on the next chapter which is at least more dialogue heavy than this one. 
> 
> Adult life is busy! I'm still working the same boring beauty department job, though I'm considering going back to college to get a degree in art education. That way I can become an art teacher! So I've been trying to get myself to practice more often. But the thing is that I keep getting sidetracked with comics, grr. I have an absurdly long to read list which keeps on growing.


	7. Chapter 7

Peter slouched over, letting the scalding hot styrofoam coffee cup warm his hands all while Wade spoke of his newfound passion for food trucks. Particularly taco trucks. But only the authentic ones that have Montezuma coming after you with a vengeance when it’s time to take a dump. Because that is apparently what qualifies as being authentic to the enigma named Wade Wilson.

After awhile it becomes futile to question the man’s reasoning.

“So, Ryan, what brought you to Midtown High of all places, anyway?” Peter asked while raising a suspicious eyebrow. “You said something about criminal activity. Is there any reason you said that..?”

Wade snorted up his hot cocoa mid-sip and waved his hand around as if to swat away the incoming questions.

“The economy, why else? And as far as crime goes, the economy is the only criminal thing here. I just like to throw people off guard when I first meet them. Weeding out the weak.”

“Mhmm,” is the only sound of response that Peter made as he looked back down at his cup. He knew excuses, especially bad ones, as he had used plenty during his own cape years, and he also knew Deadpool. Something was off. Peter figures that he’ll just have to keep a close eye on the mercenary.

The brunette was about to open his mouth to further question Wade but was cut short by an obnoxiously high pitched ringtone that he could not help but wince at. Wade yanked a pastel pink, bedazzled phone out of his pocket and his face scrunched up when he looked at the caller information.

“Be right back, baby cakes!” Wade said to Peter in a sing song voice as he got up to take his phone conversation outside. At least he had some human decency to not rudely have a conversation in front of another.

Finally, Peter could take a breather. A mental one, if you will, because that mercenary will exhaust your entire brain.

Peter took this as an opportunity to fetch another cup of coffee. He was still too tired for any of this. Normally he would go for some creamer or a shot of something sweet but all that he was in the mood for this morning was purely black coffee. After getting his drink and paying the barista, Peter made his way back to the table that he and Wade had claimed.

“Peter?”

After swiftly turning on his heels to face the direction of the voice, Peter’s eyebrows shot up while his mouth gaped open. He promptly shut it and grinned sheepishly at the familiar redhead who had addressed him. The woman was sitting alone in a booth with a laptop, looking up at him over a pair of stylish sunglasses as she smiled back at him.

“M..Mary Jane, I didn’t know you were back in town! Wow, jeez, I wasn’t expecting to see you today. Or any time soon. Wow. Remember how we used to hang out here with the old gang? I mean, of course you remember, okay, I’m getting sidetracked. Yiiiikes. So. Uhm, how long do you plan on sticking around? In New York, I mean.”

Despite having been in an on and off again relationship with Mary Jane Watson for over four years, Peter found himself being a bumbling dork. To be fair he was caught completely off guard.

The last time Peter saw Mary Jane was nearly an entire year ago; she was catching a flight out to LA for her career as an up and coming actress. At the time, Mary Jane had landed a minor but also regular role on a long running primetime crime drama. Peter didn’t have much time for television but he tuned in as often as he could to catch a glimpse of and admire his fiancée doing what she does best.

“Just for a little bit!” she replied with a playful wink. “I’m only here for filming, tiger. Just a little movie gig.”

Peter sat himself across from Mary Jane with a dazed look on his face which she giggled at.

“You’re on the silver screen now, huh. That’s amazing, MJ. You should have told me! Wait, how long have you been here?”

“Mmm, it’s been three days now.”

The man went slack-jawed and stumbled over his words for a few moments before finally uttering, “Three days?!”

“I’ve been busy and you’ve been busy with you know what. By the way, I tried calling you but I take it that you haven’t been paying the phone bill, again. Peter, we both know your… line of work doesn’t pay well. It technically doesn’t pay at all.”

“But I got a job as a teacher! The pay isn’t worth bragging about but I can freely patrol at night. This means that freelancing is a thing of the past, MJ. No more taking selfies for The Bugle.”

Mary Jane took off her sunglasses, setting them down on the table gently, before giving Peter a soft yet stern look as she reached out to caress the man’s jaw. She momentarily glanced down at the table while a sigh escaped her rosy red lips.

“Yes, I know, Aunt May told me last night. And I’m proud of you, I’m so happy for you that you have a career now. Please don’t throw this opportunity away. You have a responsibility to help people, I get that. I love you, and I love what you do, but you can’t keep living like this.”

Peter’s brows furrowed when he brought his own hand up to the woman’s. Sounding betrayed, he muttered, “You talked to Aunt May last night?”

“Yes, and you had already left by the time I called her. Stop changing the subject, Peter. Please.”

With a sad smile, Mary Jane took Peter’s calloused hand into her own and stroked his palm with a thumb. Her breath hitched as she took a deep breath. Green eyes looking into a brown pair, she tilted her head to the side, letting her hair fall off of her shoulder.

 “Look, hun, I just want you to be happy. And I’ll always love you, tiger; I’m just afraid that this jackpot has been spent,” Mary Jane said with a hint of apprehension. “We live such different lives now, and I can’t handle the stress of being with you. Even now I’m worried for you. All the time. I can’t even look at any news coming out of New York because I’m terrified that it will say you’ve been terribly injured. Or worse, even. It wouldn’t hurt to call every now and then. My number hasn’t changed. This… This isn’t easy for me, Peter. I’m…”

After a moment of hesitation, the redhead slipped a simple diamond ring off of her thin left ring finger before placing it into Peter’s hand. The man stared down at the piece of jewelry with his face twisted in a mournful, heartbroken manner.

“Oh. Oh, Mary Jane,  I know it’s been hard but…”

Mary Jane put a finger up to Peter’s mouth then shook her head. The man shut his mouth without a second thought.

“No. I’m done with your excuses, Peter. You proposed three years ago. I’m not going to wait around for you forever. Again, I still love you, but I cannot be your lover.” Mary Jane hung her head down and in a hushed voice that only the two of them could hear added, “I wanted to be the wife of Peter Parker, not the wife of Spider-Man.”

Peter stared at the table while shaking his head and biting his lip. He leaned in closer to Mary Jane, placing his forehead on hers as he stroked her scarlet hair and explained in a whisper, “MJ, you know I can’t give it all up. This is something that I’ve been doing this for the better part of the last decade! Trust me, I’ve tried to quit dozens of times. But it’s a part of who I am. You’re acting like I’m two different people or like I’m an addict. Mary Jane, please, understand.”

“Peter Benjamin Parker, I’m not asking you to quit. I would never ask that of you, I know how much this means to you and the city. What I’m trying to get it through to you that I can’t live with you because of what you do.”

Wiping a tear from the corner of her eye while trying to not break her composure, Mary Jane continued, “I hope that you do find somebody who can live with your, well, lifestyle. I really, really do. It would bring me so much joy to see you with someone who can keep up with you. Chin up, tiger. I’ll always be here for you. We’ll always be friends.”

“Am I interrupting a tender moment here, Peter Pan?” a gravelly voice cut in. “You never told me that you knew any hotties!”

Wade plopped himself right beside Peter without asking for permission from either party. He elbowed Peter in his bad rib which had him seething through his teeth and shooting Wade a glare.

“Who is this?” Mary Jane demanded Peter, giving him an appalled look.

The scarred mercenary grinned at Mary Jane as he hooked an arm around Peter’s shoulder and pat the other man’s chest. Peter sunk further into the booth seat and tried to mouth “He’s Deadpool” to the woman. Not that it would do any good since she wasn’t acquainted with the madman. Though Peter worried she soon know who Deadpool is.

“I’m neat Pete’s new best friend, Ryan!” Wade cheered as he gave Peter a noogie, further ruffling his hair. “I mean we just met yesterday but we’re totally besties. BFFs. Right, pal?”

Peter placed a hand over his eyes and grumbled, “Ryan…”

“I’ll take that as a yes!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed my mind, Peter and Mary Jane were only engaged. Definitely makes the breakup easier. Even though I love the two of them together to death and will forever ostracize One More Day (for a variety of reasons), this is about Peter and Wade. Peter is basically my shipping bicycle. End my life.
> 
> I could have easily had the last chapter and this chapter posted in one single chapter but I was impatient to get something posted before, yikes.
> 
> Find me on Twitter [@gatobread](https://twitter.com/gatobread)! Follow me as I talk about my bad taste in everything.


End file.
